


Breathe (I Can't)

by Cy_Fi_TheAnswerIs42



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: (well one at the beginning kind of), And having to look out for your younger siblings all the time, Anxiety, I just discovered that's a tag, I read over this like 3 times and that's all the beta-reading we're getting here, Leo dealing with the anxiety of being leader and the eldest brother, Leonardo's horrible coping mechanisms, Oh boy can I relate to the stress of being the oldest, Panic Attacks, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-12 01:50:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18001526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cy_Fi_TheAnswerIs42/pseuds/Cy_Fi_TheAnswerIs42
Summary: What Leonardo's brothers didn't know about being the leader, about being the eldest, was how much responsibility came with both roles...and how much fear that responsibility brought.(Technically this was written for 2k12 Leo but I think it's vague enough that you could imagine other Leos. Except Rise Leo, he hasn't been given this bag of stress... yet, lol)





	Breathe (I Can't)

Sometimes, Leo couldn’t breathe.

His lungs would spasm and struggle to pull in air while his shoulders shuddered and shook. His eyes were wide and taking in _everything_ , because an attack could come from _anywhere_. His hands gripped his katana handles because having his weapons in hand somewhat eased the out-right terror that was racing through his body, courtesy of his pounding heart, and without something in his hands, he knew they’d be pressing against the sides of his head with too much force because his mind…

Oh, how his mind was _screaming_.

Every little mistake in training, every slight misstep in the field, every single miniscule thing that went wrong were all suddenly thrown back in his face, all his failures shouting for his attention and needing to be dealt with _now_. With those memories came doubts, fears, and what-ifs. His form was off in training today, that’s enough for the enemy to get the upper hand and win a fight. He didn’t spot that Foot ninja in that alley until they were almost past him, that’s enough time for a sneak attack and for one of his brothers to get hurt. He nearly didn’t get to Donnie in time during that fight with the Krang to back him up and oh _god, what if Donnie had gotten hurt because he wasn’t fast enough, **what if they lost Donnie because of him, what if**_ …

Too many scenarios that he had to think of, too many things to look out for, too many things that he _had_ to think of because he was the leader, the oldest brother, he had to look out for his little brothers because if he didn’t and they got hurt…it would be all his fault.

So Leonardo stood shaking with rigid posture, swords out in defense of an enemy he couldn’t fight, until he could breathe again.

Then he trained.

He trained until every muscle in his body ached, until Splinter sent him out of the dojo with a worried look, until he was ready to collapse _but he couldn’t because what kind of leader would do **that**_ , _he had to be **better**_. He ignored the looks his siblings gave him because didn’t they get it, he was doing this for _them_ , so they would be _safe_. He would try to read before his mind started racing again, which only worked half the time. Sometimes sharpening and polishing his katanas would help, the acts now muscle memory and the knowledge that this still counted as bettering himself as a ninja because what kind of ninja used dull blades and they needed to be _perfect_ because without them in the field, he would be rather useless, wouldn’t he?

And if he was useless, then what good was he to his brothers?

There was one time, when he left the dojo and it was taking every last ounce of energy he had left just to walk and hide the tremors trying to shake him to his core, that Raphael had made a comment.

“Will you look at that, Fearless over there has finally left the dojo and is gracing us with his presence.”

Leo _knew_ Raph was joking…that didn’t make him want to scream any less. Oh, how he wanted to just break down and shout _don’t you get it, I **have** to do this, I can’t make mistakes, I can’t fail, I do that and you guys get hurt or **worse**_! He wanted to laugh _‘Fearless’? I’ve been terrified since the moment I became leader, don’t you get how much can go wrong, don’t you **see** how the weight of this role is crushing me?!_ He wanted to cry _I **have** to do this, this is **my** responsibility, it’s killing me but I can’t make any of you guys do this, it’s my job, I’m the older brother, I have to protect all of you!_

Instead he just rolled his eyes, sat down to watch TV with his brothers, did his best to forget about the weight of his world on his shoulders, and tried to breathe.


End file.
